I want to talk about Arrey (real name: Sokri) as she is eager for her story to be online, but she’s also an example of how hard it is to help people in certain situations of poverty and/or homelessness.

I first met her when she took my order in a local restaurant, and ended up joining me for a chat (it’s a pretty informal place). She’s got one of these faces which, when she smiles, the whole thing, top, middle, bottom and sides kind of smiles too, if you know what I mean, and there’s a feeling of friendliness radiating. Everybody knows her and is concerned about her problems.

She was quite quick to tell me her life-story and issues, without prompting, as this was before Kresar had inspired the idea for this website and my mission.

This case of homeless essentially began with a strained relationship between mother and daughter

She had been living in the province with her daughter at her mother’s place and, because the two never got on, came to Phnom Pehn to find work alone, and the plan was to collect the daughter (Lisa) once she was on her feet. She actually used to work at the restaurant in question (where we met) so was informally helping out there for tips.

After a few days she came to me in tears as her mother had told her she had to collect her daughter, she doesn’t want her, and Arrey was sleeping at friend’s places without paid work. I gave have her a little money (I don’t have much) and when I bumped into her next, Lisa was with her. I’d only see her in passing but noticed they were living in a cheap eight dollar a night guest house.

Arrey did initially find her feet in Phnom Pehn, but with unstable accomodation and employment

One evening I was walking along the street and she was with her daughter and had a job selling phone cases, just from a carrier bag to passersby. So she had a kind of employer but was under her own stream. They (mother and daughter) both seemed really happy. She was living in a two hundred dollar a month apartment with three other girls, but they all worked different times and so the apartment was usually empty when Arrey and Lisa were there. She invited me back for a snack and to see it, and it was really nice. It was rent free for her as apparently, the ones paying the rent had been out and found her sleeping rough and didn’t like a child Lisa’s age being homeless and so had let them stay and she just had to clean a little.

I didn’t see her for a long time, more than six months I think. Then I bumped into her another evening. Mother and daughter were together and I could see it wasn’t good. She looked very thin and very tired and she also had the tell-tale plastic sack of a recycler. In Phnom Pehn you can sell scrap metal, like cans, for cash without ID, although the prices are very, very low, meaning it’s a job done by the people at the absolute bottom of society.

Arrey next ended up rough sleeping with her young daughter on the streets of Phnom Pehn

As soon as I saw her I knew it would end up costing me money, but it was such a strange encounter. We went back to the restaurant where we met, and talked about the situation. Two of the women who paid rent in the apartment she was staying had developed financial difficulties and so all had been thrown out of the room. Arrey and Lisa were sleeping rough near central market. Not sure what happened with the phone case job but likely it didn’t pay much more than can-collecting.

While we were talking there was some odd old American woman at the table behind us. She had a big bowl full of fish and terrapins in murky water and was talking to them. Arrey didn’t notice but Lisa was hypnotized and I could hear the woman strike up a conversation with her. She seemed quite child-focused and could talk on her level. Arrey noticed me looking at her and glanced over, and the woman asked if it was OK (to talk to Lisa) and Arrey said no problem, turned back and we carried on our discussion.

Arrey was asking me to pay a night in a guesthouse, but I’m literally giving away all my spare money everyday (I get perhaps 900 USD per month from investments and live VERY simply (mostly by choice)), so I just can’t keep doing that. But while we were talking I noticed Nari in the background, i.e. my good friend who’s child went missing and who’s story started this whole website and my current project. She used to be a street-sleeper but by then had a place, a tiny little shared ‘house’ in what is essentially a slum, but the walls are brick and there are other people around (most of whom I know) and she’d be safe. Arrey and Nari don’t know each other but I told Arrey to wait, let me speak to her.

Finally, there seems to be a break to solve her housing problems

She (Nari) was sitting in the street with a bunch of other people from the same property. The area (the slum) is hot, noisy and crowded. All the open spaces around that the community used to go to for air and recreation are being developed into flats, so people are literally sitting in the street, on the floor, chatting and getting some (polluted) air.

I went over, explained Arrey’s situation, and she said it was OK, she could stay for one night with her. Now a house in a slum doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a step up from street sleeping. I’ve seen it with Nari, she’s a lot better off since she went in there, also Nari is very well connected, knows how to find work, get on your feet, stay safe and so it could well be a good, practical situation for everyone.

So I went back to the restaurant and by then Arrey and this American woman had struck up a conversation, and were now talking to Lisa, about turtles and colours or something. I apologized for interrupting them and told Arrey the good news and this American woman asked what I was talking about and I said that I was trying to help Arrey as she has nowhere to stay, and the woman immediately said,

‘No. She’s not homeless. She’s staying with me.’

From the look on Arrey’s face (the smile-radiation one) I could tell it was news to her. The lady (who introduced herself as Tee) said she just finished making a guest room in her apartment for someone who ended up not staying, and also is running a business that has an opening for a local staff member. Then she said look, I have a walking stick too! (I use a collapsable walking stick) and hers was multicoloured and decorated with ribbons, and she held it and started talking in a silly voice while moving it to the words, like it was a talking walking stick. I assumed this was for Lisa’s benefit.

So Tee started looking for a tuk tuk for them to go off to the apartment and I gave Arrey my number to call if there is any other issue. Looking back, I should have got red flags, that this woman was out with a bowl of turtles and a talking walking stick, but usually the longer I stay around Arrey the poorer I end up, so I watched them all drive off into the night with a sense of relief.

Arrey’s luck is fools gold and a return to the streets of Phnom Pehn

A few nights later I was going past in a tuk tuk as I saw Tee, alone on a street corner, acting like a lunatic, and pointing at random tuktuk drivers shouting, ‘WAS IT YOU? WAS IT YOU?’ and then running off up the street shouting at thin air. This was really concerning – but Arrey had no phone and I had no idea if she was safe or not.

A few days later I was down by the pagoda and there they were, Arrey and Lisa. Yes, it turned out that Tee was insane. It took them less than a day to realize that but then they couldn’t get away from her: she wouldn’t let them go. Apparently, there were a lot of complaints about her from the people who lived around her apartment and the landlord had thrown her out without notice. So she’d ended up in the street with all her stuff, turtles and all, on a street corner. She decided to go to a restaurant with them, just over the road, leaving all the stuff, furniture, etc. on the paveent as it was kind of in view.

Of course, it was very close by to the slum and much of it was quickly pilfered. They ran over and Tee started having some kind of a fit, and Arrey tried to take Lisa and leave but Tee grabbed the child and was shouting, ‘No, DON’T GO, DON’T GO’, but Arrey wrestled her away and they ran.

So they were both alone and homeless again.

I came up with a final solution, as a child shouldn’t be homeless in a place like Phnom Pehn… or anywhere.

Well they caught me at a certain time. I’d been living in a guesthouse for over a year, it must be the cheapest in the capital at 6usd a night, sleeping on a yoga mat on the floor, although I was perfectly happy for a long time. But recently, some old guy checked in. The walls don’t go to the ceiling (for ventilation) and he wakes me washing at 5am every day. A guy on the other side was smoking drugs and coughing all night. I was constantly tired and getting nothing done.

Well I thought about it. I pay the guesthouse weekly, but if you pay the same money monthly with a month in advance to lease, you get much more value. It’s easy for a Khmer to pay 150 per month (usd) for two bedrooms and kitchen. Recently I viewed a property with four rooms on two levels, fridge, bed, kitchen for 120. So I said to her, if you can find a place like this with two rooms for me, I’ll take it and you can have the spare room. It seemed great as it costs me nothing and these two will be permanently housed, I can keep an eye on them. She phoned around a few friends and immediately found a ‘whole house for 130, but little bit far’, and we could view it the next day.

So we arranged to meet at 1pm. I gave her my number. She never showed up and never phoned.

Well my accommodation situation became unbearable as the rains started. On top of washing and coughing, now the monsoon was falling on the metal roof for two hours at night and it was like a machine gun going off and I’d just lie listening to it in the darkness wide awake.

There are numerous dangers facing the homeless population in Phnom Pehn, and theft is one of the lesser woes

I was very motivated to find somewhere. Lisa goes to a local NGO in the day near the pagoda, which gets off at 4pm so I waited around there and saw Arrey when she arrived to collect her. She said she was sleeping rough at central market, had been robbed and lost my number. I said look, if we can look now, I can move in tomorrow, my rents paid, I have my passport and the money.

So we went to her friends place, and the house for 130 had gone but two friends of hers put us all in a tuk tuk and we went round a few places, all of whom were full. She said she’d ask around again and call me.

A few days later a Western friend of mine recommended me a place, which I ended up taking on a one month renewable lease. Only one room but quieter (and hotter) so I was OK. The day I took it I had only slept a few hours, woken by coughing and washing and barking, and had been going back and forth to the bank, to buy a chair, to move all my stuff. I was exhausted and I collapsed into a chair for a rest outside a convenience store. Arrey and Lisa went past and I told them I had found somewhwere myself and I just had to get a fan and I was sorted out, but it was only one room, not suitable for them to join me, which she said was fine as they’d been in a local dormitory for the past five days, for just 1.25 usd per night per bed. I rested a bit sipping soda and she hung around and then offered to come to the market and carry my fan for me.

So from getting up from the chair, to buying the fan (nine dollars) and getting it back, the situation changed again. She said she hasn’t paid for her bed for five days, it’s all on credit and they’ve locked her out. Can they just come in the room and shower.

So we went up, there’s a TV and Lisa watched cartoons. Arrey then just essentially begged if she could stay one night to try and get the money to pay off her debt in the hostel. Well I was so, so tired, but I sleep on the floor anyway (due to my bad hips and back), and so there’s an empty double bed, so I agreed to try it out for a week and see if it can work.

Even though all I wanted to do was sleep, we arranged to meet at 10pm so I could let her in (there’s only one key) and we’d sleep. If Lisa gets up at 7am it can still be the first eight hours of sleep I’ve had in a long long time.

I waited, bleary-eyed until 11pm, they never showed and never called. I went home and finally slept. I did actually still get the full eight hours of sleep as I was awoken by her call at 8am. She said she’s outside and Lisa wants to go to bed. I’d already decided, falling asleep, that this situation doesn’t work and so I said no. I packed up the few bits they’d left (mostly toys) into a carrier bag and took it down. Arrey angrily snatched it away from me and stormed off, saying she’d turned up but I wasn’t there (not true).

At this point, it was the last I’ve seen of her, although she’ll almost certainly turn up again soon. So I have to try and make sense of this situation in terms of trying to permanently change her situation via direct giving.

The causes of long-term homelessness, in Phnom Pehn, or anywhere, are complex, not always easilly solved with money alone

In some ways, she’s a really good candidate for direct giving. When I interviewed her, the problem seems to be simply not having stable accommodation. She feels if she could do that, have a place, some clothes for Lisa so the financial pressure is off a little, she could find paid work and would be in a permanently better situation. There is a lot going for her. Unlike many people I know, she is literate in Khmer. Also unlike many people I know, she abstains from drugs 100%, and drinks moderately (if someone else is paying!). She’s also popular and easy to get on with. When she turned up at the restaurant and met Tee, the staff who knew her saw how thin and disheveled she was and obviously in trouble, and all came over to express their concern, ask what the story was.

Considering the circumstances, she does a good job of keeping Lisa in education. Most people in similar situations I know don’t do this and I know at least two women in the same situation who just abandoned their children on the streets, and they’re kind of swallowed up into a communal system of child care that exists in the slum.

To really assess potential donors for direct giving requires long-term relatonships between equals, centralized charities cannot do this

There are a few things about the situation that don’t add up though. One thing is that, when she first turned up, the restaurant where she served me, the boss there seemed to offer her a job (she had worked there previously) but they wanted her to keep regular hours (obviously) but Arrey negotiated it that she could turn up when she felt like it, help out if they need it, and receive ad hoc amounts of money when the owner decides to give it to her. Essentially, she seems to have turned down a stable job that would have solved her situation. After that, she never actually turned up to the restaurant to do any work.

Also, from the formal interview, the story is that she came to Phnom Pehn seven years ago when she had Lisa, and has been essentially can- collecting since then, and drifting, but that doesn’t ring true. I know many people who’ve can-collected, and it is always a short-term measure even for the very poorest. I could be wrong, but I never met anyone who considered this a long-term job.

I notice Lisa seems to be half caucasian and I asked about this in the interview and she says she doesn’t know the father as she used to ‘F*&k around’, which is fair enough, but I remember her being upset a while ago when a friend of hers was injured in a motorcycle crash. It was one of those fairly common occasions when I come across her crying. She won’t open up so much but she said he was Australian and was a ‘very, very good guy’, who’d been sending money, which then stopped. I can’t get anything else out of her about this situation (except I can see no one is sending her money now).

I’ve also seen her be aggressive on two occasions. One was towards a guy who was causing trouble in the restaurant and possibly justified. But another situation was bizarre, when she suddenly ran out of the restaurant and started hitting a local beggar (who was a dwarf in a wheelchair) with a coconut husk. That sounds comical but it was actually violent and appeared to me unprovoked. I was flabbergasted and she absolutely refused to talk about it. I asked my friends and they told me he was actually an ex-boyfriend and it was a domestic assault.

Do homeless people ever contribute to their own situation?

The main thing for me is that she is unreliable. That is my personal experience. Yes, I know it’s pretty hard keeping appointments and meetings when you’re sleeping out and have no watch or phone. That isn’t easy. But it concerns me that her situation doesn’t seem to have changed for seven years. That, yes, it was hard to meet me at agreed times due to the accommodation situation, but she always manages to call by asking someone to borrow their phone, but she ghosted me when she knew I was waiting up for her. Please be clear, I’m not saying I’m entitled to anything, but I’m saying that she seems to have a deep personality trait that she cannot think ahead in someway, she doesn’t keep stable employment, no situation ever lasts for her. At the end of the day, her plan costs two hundred dollars and involves her finding employment, and she’s never sustained this situation in the past and I don’t see any evidence that it would work now. She told me before about some caring role (for an invalid) she had in the province, and I don’t know how long that lasted or the circumstances, so I could be wrong.

So at the end of the day, Arrey says she wants help to change her situation, and has a plan that needs two hundred dollars, and my intuition tells me it’s more a personal development issue that she needs to address, and that is deep-rooted and I don’t know how to do it. I am at a loss.

So even that I don’t know what to do, I do think that this story of Arrey does illustrate why a model of p2p/anarchist giving can work. I mean, imagine if this story turned up to a direct giving charity that is centralized. They would send a local person from an NGO to interview her and they would get the story that I recorded. They would check with the other NGO and realize that despite her situation, she’s kept her daughter in school. They can look at her body and teeth (and possibly blood) and see that she has no addiction issues. They can write up her plan and the amount needed. But at the end of the day there is a problem, and that problem is centralization. The people in a centralized charity are too removed from a situation to understand it, and the donors are too far away to also understand the situation they want to change.

The only way to really be effective is to embrace minimalism oneself, and then go, with faith that life-energy itself, can guide you to people ready to change, and beFRIEND than, face-to-face with no distance, and be with them as equals to formulate (and fund) the plan that will elevate them to their dreams, which (hopefully by your example) also includes a minimalist lifetstyle and paying forward the assistance (emotionally and financtally) when life goes on to guide them to more friends in need, and so a community of equal giving arises. Sometimes it’s going to be money and sometimes it’s going to be time and sometimes it’s going to be listening and sometimes it’s you that needs to be taking – but all of us together only ever taking what we need to be happy within (as it’s all inside) and so it can radiate outwards, like Arrey’s smile.